Most of you know, I lost my dad when I was 23 and pregnant with Ellie. Then, last January I lost my mom. My dad was only 43 when he died of a non-smokers lung cancer in three months time and my mom died at 56 within 10 months time of her dreaded diagnosis. So, I quickly became aware of my own vulnerability and that something could be taken away at any moment. To my surprise, the paralyzing anxiety I have dealt with since my dad's death was not the same after my moms. Yes, I had some attacks where I would wake up from a sleep and feel like I was suffocating and going to die at any moment. I had to go outside to get air at 2 a.m. and have my husband rock me back to sleep practically. I think over the past year, I've been reflecting a lot on my mom's life and trying to make sense of it all. It was such a blur, and honestly she was always so strong, independant and had unbelievable survival skills that I never thought she would die. That blinded me throughout her illness and eventual death. So, with that I have regrets or things I wish I would of said or wish I could of changed. I was always trying to fix her because she was always so broken most of her life. I don't think I could handle the fact that I couldn't fix her and I couldn't make her want to get better. I didn't realize until after I read the book "Morrie, In His Own Words" that a lot of times people around someone chronically ill or terminal have a hard time accepting their loved one's illness or their inability to do the things they once did. I always admired my mom for her strength, determination, and her ability to survive in any situation. She seemed distant at the end and her hardness of heart made it hard to tell her exactly what I was feeling. Her anger and bitterness at others drove some people away. She wanted them there for sure, but she just couldn't say it. I think most of her issues came from having such a sad childhood and not having parents that showed her unconditional love. She spent most of her life trying to prove herself and she did. She was incredibly smart and successful in her work. She made excellent grades in college and could read faster than anyone I know!
I think something that I've learned through her death is that it's okay to want someone there with you and it's okay to say what you feel. She was always so independant and didn't seem to need any0ne, but the truth was her pride just kept her from admitting it. I saw her go through this horrible illness alone (my sister, aunt and I were there), but it wasn't the same as having someone you've journeyed through life with by your side. She was sad and lonely until the end. That breaks my heart for her because she truly did long for someone to love her and care for her, but she just couldn't put her guard down and at the very end she was too sick to care.
I think I started out my marriage in much the same way, strong and independant. I had a pretty negative perspective on men and the whole marriage thing. I figured, if it didn't work out I'd be fine on my own. I came to realize that it's not all about me, and I don't want my kids to be raised with the same negative perspective of marriage. I want my daughters to grow up and respect their husbands and to love them and be the best wife and mom they can be while still doing something that they love. With the attitude I had, I was setting my daughter's future marriages up to fail. I want my kids to see me demonstrate the ability to forgive and let go and to say what is on my heart without holding it in causing me bitterness and anger. I want them to see me humbly say sorry when I have failed. My ability to love, forgive and say what is on my heart has made my life it's happiest yet. The emotions of anxiety, anger and bitterness are toxic to one's self and truly only tears down the person that is holding them.
I think losing my parents has made me build character that I may not have otherwise. My anxiety is better because I've learned that I'm not going to waste my life worrying about when it's going to end, I'm just going to live it and love it while I have it. I've taken control of my health and the health of my kids to the best of my ability and put my trust in God. I want to lead a life of integrity, so I can leave an unforgettable legacy to my kids.
Goodnight.
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